sheng' debate, 9th International Nairobi Book Fair

now for something real ... i have been at the expo centre Sarit since wednesday, taking statistics of peeps who have come to attend the book fair ... a very boring job i should say but somehow i felt i had the resolve to push it through till saturday ... so there i was trying to look all smiley and friendly ( folks thought i was with the customer care or something when i was only supposed to keep statistics, so they kept asking me a repetitive list of tedious questions) ... after awhile, i got so bored that it showed on my face, wrote a note threatening to bite anyone who dared to as much mumble a hello ( of course i was too craven to display it), but i did everything with my gestures to show that i was a likely black mamba

so a lot of familiar faces ... marjorie, maillu, a pretty former Uonian known as Kingwa Kamencu(she had a lovely smile) ... oh, and i finally put the face to the name Potash ... he looked every part of his blog, a typical artist ... i liked him immediately ... through Potash i learnt a lot about blog-writing and activities at Kwani ... then there was the sheng' debate ... it took place today between 2-4 ... a lot of familiar peeps were there ... Oyunga Pala, Clay Muganda, Caroline The Poetess-can't recall her last name , guys from Ukoo Fulani and so many dudes and chicks from the world of writing and art.

nways, the debate began ... i perched myself on a seat and listened ... Oyunga Pala said that sheng' is a language of the future, his grandkids would have it as their only language and probably his great-grandkid would be a sheng' lecturer, he also added that it was a unifying language, one that had effectively cut across the famous battle-lines of the 42 tribes in Kenya and probably for anyone below the age of 25, the only language they loved ... Clay Muganda was of a different opinion ... he doubted whether sheng' had garnered enough aces to qualify as a fully-fledged language ... he was also refuting the idea that sheng' belongs to a particular generation ... President Kibaki himself says kujienjoy ... another dude further reiterated that too lock a language in culture is to arrest its development ... sheng' has to shift from the 'hood' paradigm if it is to survive, and he pointed out various examples of the indo-eurasian languages that could not be traced to a particular race or group of people ... i totally agreed ... i suck in sheng' and the only reason i suck in it is that i do not feel that i possess it ... it is a language of the 'street' and i did not grow up in the 'street' ... i grew up in a farm with wheat and maize and tractors and cows and sheep ... my parents emphasized on 'correct' languages so i never bothered to learn sheng' in school (i was a good lad-i listened)

the Ukoo Fulani dudes were obviously so much in defense of their precious language ... and it was beautiful to hear their mastery of the poetic flow of sheng' ... they even told us that what they were speaking was not even sheng' ... that if they were to switch to the real 'mtaa' one ... the one that evolves every 24 hours, all of us would simply float ... it appeared somewhat that the language was more or less meant to be a certain form of code ... mike from the ukoo group said that sheng' can be traced back to the colonial days when people had to find ways to communicate so that they could hoodwink the keen hard taskmasters that made the government of the day ... and from that it grew to what it is today

but it was carol who really moved me ... she spoke about her fluency in kikuyu and how english is still so foreign that she keeps discovering new things about it every day ... she teaches kids and was simply wondering how amazing would it be if they could be allowed to express themselves in sheng', their first language of expression

her sentiments made me remember my childhood ... those halcyon days when i puttered around like a lame tractor mumbling Keiyo to everyone ... there are words in Keiyo that have no English equivalent ... and there are activities that Keiyo people do that cannot be explained in the same-said English ... 'kesute sotet'is the act of taking a burnt piece of a dried twig of the 'nerkwo' tree(don't think the Queen can say that in her language) and smearing the charcoal on the insides of a guord within which milk would be stored to ferment and make 'mursik' ... see how long it took me to explain that, and when i speak Keiyo i simply say 'kesute sotet'

in school i read english books about 'fair-skinned lasses' with long 'locks of golden hair' who went about 'moors' picking 'daffodils' in the 'spring' ... i still cannot picture that adequately but i still had to read those books and force myself to believe that i actually understood what was going on ... but what about the world i grew in ... what about the trees and the insects, the relations and names of the different types of rock ... those could and still can only be explained in Kikale ... i know various species of ant but one can only know i do if i speak about them in 'keiyo' for those dudus were in 'keiyo' land and so my people had names for them while the British who grew up in the islands of the UK can only say one word - 'ant' if they arrive in my homeland

definitely, we cannot start undermining the importance of English, it is so much necessary as a global language and it would be impossible to conduct corporate affairs and meetings in sheng' or any other 'vernacular'(i hate the word but i have to use it) languages ... but still to inculcate a child with other languages when one could simply be instructed in the one he or she is really familiar with is too cripple him or her ... it is not healthy to force kids to speak a certain language at home or at school ... as is the scenario nowadays ... let them speak the language that is in the environ ... through that they would be able to appreciate the world much better ... otherwise they would just be floating somewhere in the clouds, completely unaware of what is going on around them ... children from the rural areas fail national exams not because they are stupid but because they do not have an adequate command of english-what a waste of brain?

at the end of it all i believe any effort made to curtail on the development or the speaking of a language will and should be resisted ... sheng' is a very beautiful child born out of our very beautiful african languages ... anyone who looks down on it is clearly missing out on the big picture i should say ... but that is just my thought!

rumours from the sacred canopy

i have punished myself many times in my life ... i punished myself when i loped off a flowerhead of a pretty little dahlia ... it grew alone on a dry patch of my pero's flower garden ... nothing else that had life was around it at least if one could choose to ignore the ants that scurried about ... all the other flowers kept their distance and grew bright and strong ... and those that tried to give close comfort to the dahlia simply died ... i never came to understand why that dahlia managed to sprout all alone where others had failed ... it reminded me of Robert Frost's The Road Less Travelled ... but flowers do not travel ... they get stuck in the same spot till they wither and die ... but that dahlia did not wither ... i uprooted it all and flushed it down the toilet ... it had to die because i had cut off its flowerhead ... it had to die because it was not perfect as before ... and its presence in the dry patch of earth ... its stubborn persistence where others had not tried to grow... suddenly became irritating ... and i killed it!

i cried when it was gone ... i cried because i had lost a friend ... a pretty little flower friend ... i never knew her name ... she just went away nameless ... and i knew that in that dry patch of earth, there was nothing i could stare at again ... was i envious of the dahlia ... i do not have the slightest idea ... may be one day ... when i finally climb the hill which everyone is supposed to climb ... at one time or another ... i will look back and feel pity for what i did

but i cannot look back now ... i cannot afford to turn back my head and be all teary-eyed about my past ... i have to fix my legs to the present ... that dreadful split second where everything takes place ... but every time i try to do that i simply float ... my head does not just want to see what i want to see ... it wants me to have a look at the dark patches ... the dark patches that i have been trying to avoid ... may be they are not real ... but what else in this world is real ... dream? hope? Love? ... may be we all are demigods with the ability to create what is real for our existence and to dismiss the rest as fantasy ... i will simply reach out then, to my inner demigod, and fill the world with pretty little dahlias ... THEN I WILL KILL THEM ALL!!!

what my cats taught me about visiting people

IN OUR FAMILY WE HAVE HAD CATS FOR AS LONG AS I CARE TO REMEMBER. THE FOLLOWING ARE TIPS I HAVE GATHERED FROM THOSE FELINE COMPANIONS. THEY HAVE REALLY INSISTED THAT I ACT ON THEM BUT I HAVE ALWAYS LACKED THE COURAGE. MAY BE YOU, DEAR READER, ARE INTREPID ENOUGH TO ACT LIKE A CAT WHEN VISITING FRIENDS.

gently push their door without knocking. proceed to the windowsill without greeting anyone and sit on it. stare absent-mindedly outside. suddenly spring on a sofa two metres away and fall dead asleep. wake up after an hour and demand for food. if no food, act frightened, jump out of the window and run away. otherwise enjoy.

if someone else is using the toilet, simply go outside and find a spot with soft earth. scoop away the soil with your hands to create a small hole. defecate on it. rake back the earth to cover your treasure. sniff it a bit. if still smelly, prop up more earth. walk away as if nothing happened.

before entering the house, pee around it to mark it as your territory. if host gets out, pee on him also and shout 'you are mine'

as host goes to the kitchen to prepare a snack, proceed to hang on the curtains or to sit on the tv. once spotted dive under the table and purr.

sit on your host's lap while watching tv even if you are of the same sex. rub yourself lovingly and lick their hands. demand to be stroked.

jump from their laps once you see an ant moving on the floor. start playing with the insect and make sure your eyes are as wide as saucers.

grab all the drumsticks once lunch is prepared and dive under the dining table with it. groan and scratch if someone dares to peer at you.

be garbed in one garment every time you visit. it is a method cats employ for identification and can work well with humans ... grey-turtleneck-john, purple-jumper-laura

if spending the night and host directs you to the shower, freak at the mention of water. remove your clothes and lick away dirt spots. beam with a smile and say that you are clean. you will need to have practised yoga beforehand to reach all parts of your anatomy

old wives' tales from kenya

you will not grow if someone leaps across your legs while you are lying down

people who can draw perfect circles are insane

carrots are good for your sight ... apparently avocadoes are the thing

you have worms if your eyes are a clear white

you will get ringworms if someone stares at you long and hard

if you develop stye, you've watched porn

if you cross your eyes at someone, they might stay that way

chewing gum if swallowed, stays in your body for seven years

you will die soon if you do not attend your relative's funeral

you will also die soon if you get in the bad books of a dude or a chick who belongs to a certain tribe in kenya which am so afraid to mention

you will almost definitely die soon if you abuse an old lady and she undresses before you

pig fat will protect you from the three above

if someone asks for your photo he wants to use it for black magic against you

you should not take milk and meat together ... you are torturing the cow ... but it is already dead anyway? jeez

good girls make circles with their feet when talking to men

rotten girls where tight hipsters, minis and laugh too much

every neighbour of yours is wicked and has nothing else to do with his or her time but to make plans to destroy you and your family

never share your secrets with anyone because you have such a good name which will get spoilt when your confidante who invariably turns out to be worse than your wicked neighbour shouts the secret at the rooftop with a loudspeaker for all the world to hear

there are no good men in this world left to marry

there are no good women in this world left to marry

you should however not remain single in any case or people will say you are bewitched

someone who does not belong to your tribe is planning to kill you soon ... so you better finish him off with a machete

all children in this era are spoilt and disrespectful

children fifty years ago were respectful and with all the proper manners and decorum

having sex before marriage is a western concept that was not there during your grandmother's teenagehood

children who grew up in urban areas are devils while those from shaggs are nothing short of angels

if you lie you will get pimples on your tongue

if you sleep with someone's wife your 'cheeky friend' will get stuck in his favourite 'abode' and you will be left with no option but to call for the ambulance and when the latter comes you will be publicly embarrassed because all of your wicked neighbours will get out of their houses with cameras,film,boola boola ... to record your humiliating experience for eternity

if you whistle at night you will attract spirits

if girls whom you do not know ask for a lift on your car and you comply they will lift up their skirts/trousers to reveal their donkey hooves ... otherwise they will turn into black cats and start talking to you

cremation is a sin

a deceased has to be buried at his or her father's home

you should always view a body before it is buried otherwise you will never have peace

for a lighter note ... you should always marry someone from your tribe ... otherwise divorce is knocking at your matrimonial door

mother-in-laws always hate their daughter-in-laws and you should never trust them if you happen to be the latter

a girl with big breasts had so much sex while she was young that the sperms got stored up in her jugs

if you wank very often you will grow weak

if a girl interrupts you during a shagging session so that you do not ejaculate the sperms will sink back into your stomach and spoil your kidneys

a boy who is not shagging girls is a softie

if a chameleone gets hold of your hair it will never let go

no bleach in this world can get rid of a banana stain

the length of a girl's lips is the same as the length of the lips under her pants

thin, bean-pole men have big members while men who are built have things small as peanuts ... in essence, men who body build do so to compensate for the lack of the trouser bulge

men always sleep with their housemaids

if you go away from your wife for more than three days she will sleep with someone


there is no such thing as being gay

if you stay out when it is cold you will get pneumonia or catch your death of cold ... apparently not true according to medical reports


If a pregnant woman does not eat whatever food she craves at the time she craves it, the baby's face will resemble said food's shape

if you where a red clad on a rainy day, lightening will strike you