one day when it is all over

i have never loved the word SUCCESS ... it came in the form of a girl i never met ... it was in high school and my sister brought home a copy of the KCSE results ... it fell their on my lap and i read into a list of straight As that girls from her school scored ... big deal my sister says ... there is another one she adds ... so bright that teachers at school marvel at her genius ... i spent an hour or a half listening intensely at this girl at whose form figures of straight As seemed to dance around

we lived in a farm ... every sunday mother forced us to go to the catholic church ... not so bad considering that my head was always elsewhere and i hardly ever listened to the priest's sermons ... never will for he died some years back ... i never really loved my life ... somehow i wish there could be more ... my folks did so much travelling before i was born ... all over kenya and also had the privilege of spending quite a bit of time abroad ... i was just the boy who was born in iten ... i shut my eyes on it ... it was too small for me ... i had to move ... somewhere

but it was always good when it was raining ... the roof would trap the rain into little streams that would wash down and tear at the grass and the earth ... it was exciting to watch the rain ... it was even more exciting when the rain would stop and all you would hear was the sound of the frogs and the toads that came out ... and the termites ... to me they were like fairies ... silverish angels that flocked the sky in a ridiculous rain dance ... we used to catch them, tie them stiffly in a paper bag so that their wings would fall and they would form tight couples ...

then would come the roasting ... my mother had a black pan hidden somewhere and after dinner was made we would pour all the termites on and roast them over a low heat ...a wierd oily scent would feel the room and by the end of it all many of my sisters would be too scared to eat it

but luel was brave ... luel, my elder sister who used to be a prefect in school ..... luel who said she had eaten termites raw several times before ... luel, who taught me how to castrate a bull ... luel, who tore my favourite t-shirt while i was wearing it and laughed at the look on my face ... luel, who i once threw a pliers at ... luel who was now sitting with me telling me about a girl who scored straight As in school

i do not know why i was so much fascinated with the STRAIGHT A GIRLS STORY ... and why it was always so boring to everyone else ... i must have talked about it too much that people must have thought i was a loon with a fetish for grades ... still, i think to me grades was the only way of showing my 'it' to the world ... i felt dreary alone many times with friends whom i felt were only nice to me coz i was a sorry kid ... i felt weak, small, unassertive ... this strange kid who never played football, who always read, who always knew the meaning of every word someone failed to understand in a newspaper, novel or magazine

still i wanted life ... more fulfillment ... and i needed a future ... and grades to me was the only way of breathing out ... i followed her like a dream ... i knew her habit, i imagined her like a person i knew for long ... i despised her somehow ... but i loved her ... she was success

whenever i felt down from then on i would only think of her ... her name was Flora ... and somehow her dream became my dream ... i dreamt of making straight As ... i read hard i did, ... followed all the rules and listened strictly to the teachers ... i made it somehow ... for now am in campus ... flora went far ... she made it to Harvard ... the school our headmaster drummed constantly in our heads ... i made her my e-pal ... we talked for long ... followed her school life and examination tables as if they were my own ... and at a point i thought my life would simply mesh into hers ... but when she closed off my heart felt relief ... it was time to search for what i truly wanted

SUCCESS must be a greek word ... it was the greeks who complicated the world with such issues ... before people simply lived, no one strove to be better than the other ... there was very little competition if any ... only love and wars on love, and shepherds taking care of their flock ... simple, rustic lives that seek to be coveted

am finishing school ... finally, i have to look at myself in the mirror and take myself for what i truly am and to make choices to lead my life towards the path i have chosen ... it is scary ... i feel so young, so unprepared ... i have never loved surprises ... but am strong as any other that came ... i will pull it through ... i will find my essence and shine through it ... am not just a cog in the wheel ... a pebble flowing with the mass of humanity to a destructive end ... am alive, i feel, am sexy, i have dreams, i have a heart, i have something to offer to the world and i have the right to pursue happiness and SUCCESS

dread the road the devil spat on

i have always felt like a puppy ... reaching out for people for love and appreciation ... but i guess it is time i become a full-fledged wolf ... am getting out of campus soon in quest for my own life and destiny ... i kinda feel like frodo in middle-earth ... all so short and small with all this gaunt orcs hovering around me ... but i have spirit in me so i guess things will not turn out as bad as they did to another

am reminded intensely of home ... we had a garden i said ... no, it was an orchard ... a fruit orchard and i used to sit there whiling away time when i was a kid ... my parents would get scared ... what is wrong with our child ... why doesn't he find friends to play with ... yea, i was mostly a sulky kid who looked so sad for those who do not understand me ... but i was happy ... in one way or another i was ... even though i could stay still under the lemon shade for long no one would know i was having conversations with the tree

the most amazing thing is that trees can talk ... this does not mean i have descended into any form of celtic paganisms but i can sure understand where they came from ... christianity as described by the first missionaries and many of the so -called charismatic churchmen has really done its best to distance us from certain truths about mother earth

and one of those truths is that trees have souls ... they feel, breathe and gossip as the rest of us ... they also have dreams to and appreciate those who come close to them to take shelter under their shade ... the trees that grew up in my parents farm remain fondly in my heart ... i have saved their lives countless of times when my folks threatened to cut them down ... and them in their part welcomed me to their most tender secrets ... on their branches, i dreamt of a time when the world was a great jungle and the whole human race was squeezed into little pockets that the trees left us with ... for a long time i did hope that the trees would come and reclaim their own

but here i am and the only world before me is the corporate jungle ... full of fancy gentlemen and fancy ladies in fancy attires, driving fancy cars, speaking fancy English and being all fancy formal ... may be that works ... but for me the only real freedom i ever hard was when i was in my garden

who knows may be the present world system will collapse like the ancient maya kingdom and we could all safely go back to our own farms and talk to the trees ... that would be theraupetic ... but still we would not have aspirin on an aching day ... there would be no dvds to watch desperate housewives ... the honest truth about the world will be cut out from us and we will sink back to fantasy and imagination ... or would people be what they are and seek the truth as it is ... i do not know

well, am just a tired student ... tired of all the competition and all the dreams ... all the goals and all the ambitions ... as you slowly get older and await to die ... i want my garden back ... somehow ... i want to reach to it and shut the rest of the world away from me