old wives' tales from kenya

you will not grow if someone leaps across your legs while you are lying down

people who can draw perfect circles are insane

carrots are good for your sight ... apparently avocadoes are the thing

you have worms if your eyes are a clear white

you will get ringworms if someone stares at you long and hard

if you develop stye, you've watched porn

if you cross your eyes at someone, they might stay that way

chewing gum if swallowed, stays in your body for seven years

you will die soon if you do not attend your relative's funeral

you will also die soon if you get in the bad books of a dude or a chick who belongs to a certain tribe in kenya which am so afraid to mention

you will almost definitely die soon if you abuse an old lady and she undresses before you

pig fat will protect you from the three above

if someone asks for your photo he wants to use it for black magic against you

you should not take milk and meat together ... you are torturing the cow ... but it is already dead anyway? jeez

good girls make circles with their feet when talking to men

rotten girls where tight hipsters, minis and laugh too much

every neighbour of yours is wicked and has nothing else to do with his or her time but to make plans to destroy you and your family

never share your secrets with anyone because you have such a good name which will get spoilt when your confidante who invariably turns out to be worse than your wicked neighbour shouts the secret at the rooftop with a loudspeaker for all the world to hear

there are no good men in this world left to marry

there are no good women in this world left to marry

you should however not remain single in any case or people will say you are bewitched

someone who does not belong to your tribe is planning to kill you soon ... so you better finish him off with a machete

all children in this era are spoilt and disrespectful

children fifty years ago were respectful and with all the proper manners and decorum

having sex before marriage is a western concept that was not there during your grandmother's teenagehood

children who grew up in urban areas are devils while those from shaggs are nothing short of angels

if you lie you will get pimples on your tongue

if you sleep with someone's wife your 'cheeky friend' will get stuck in his favourite 'abode' and you will be left with no option but to call for the ambulance and when the latter comes you will be publicly embarrassed because all of your wicked neighbours will get out of their houses with cameras,film,boola boola ... to record your humiliating experience for eternity

if you whistle at night you will attract spirits

if girls whom you do not know ask for a lift on your car and you comply they will lift up their skirts/trousers to reveal their donkey hooves ... otherwise they will turn into black cats and start talking to you

cremation is a sin

a deceased has to be buried at his or her father's home

you should always view a body before it is buried otherwise you will never have peace

for a lighter note ... you should always marry someone from your tribe ... otherwise divorce is knocking at your matrimonial door

mother-in-laws always hate their daughter-in-laws and you should never trust them if you happen to be the latter

a girl with big breasts had so much sex while she was young that the sperms got stored up in her jugs

if you wank very often you will grow weak

if a girl interrupts you during a shagging session so that you do not ejaculate the sperms will sink back into your stomach and spoil your kidneys

a boy who is not shagging girls is a softie

if a chameleone gets hold of your hair it will never let go

no bleach in this world can get rid of a banana stain

the length of a girl's lips is the same as the length of the lips under her pants

thin, bean-pole men have big members while men who are built have things small as peanuts ... in essence, men who body build do so to compensate for the lack of the trouser bulge

men always sleep with their housemaids

if you go away from your wife for more than three days she will sleep with someone


there is no such thing as being gay

if you stay out when it is cold you will get pneumonia or catch your death of cold ... apparently not true according to medical reports


If a pregnant woman does not eat whatever food she craves at the time she craves it, the baby's face will resemble said food's shape

if you where a red clad on a rainy day, lightening will strike you